


nobody knows

by junkeigo



Category: JO1 (Japan Band)
Genre: Drama, Friendship, Light Angst, M/M, Romance, S4 in their early/mid 20s, nobody dies?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:01:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25910251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junkeigo/pseuds/junkeigo
Summary: A person of his past should have just stayed behind in the past, never to return and make a sudden appearance when it’s least expected.
Relationships: Kimata Syoya/Tsurubo Shion, Kinjo Sukai/Ohira Shosei, Ohira Shosei/Tsurubo Shion
Comments: 31
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

The succession of events that happened that one night in October had Shosei’s head in a frenzied blur, to the fact that he wasn’t aware he was blinking more than usual. His eyes probably refuse to see, or maybe it was his mind and subconscious trying to deny what was happening in front of him.

He finds his hands clammy, constantly wiping it with the handkerchief he always brought with him. The jittery feelings are there, but he’s trying hard to suppress it and not just break down in front of everyone. He found himself zoned out from everything else and yet fixated on that brown haired man that shouldn’t be there, sitting beside Syoya looking the most regal among all of them. Like a prince.

A person of his past should have just stayed behind in the past, never to return and make a sudden appearance when it’s least expected.

Shosei  _ knows  _ he’s dead, what else could have been a better explanation for everything that had happened back then? Yet that person somehow found its way back to Shosei’s life, like a comet that came as fast as it disappeared years ago.

He badly wants to go home—probably to either sleep or cry, but the company party is nowhere close to finishing so he has to pull up his own weight and hide the threatening tremors in his body.

“Hey, are you okay?” Syoya asks him, placing a hand lightly on his arm. Syoya had always been so soft with him. “You look uneasy.”

“Yeah I’m fine, just having a really light headache.” He lies through his teeth. He hates lying to his best friend, but Shosei needs to survive the night at least.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah I’m sure, I don’t want to miss this special night with you.” He says, and that one is true. Tonight shouldn’t be about him, it should be about Syoya and his team’s success and hard work and he’s not that much of an asshole to ruin things in the wrong place and the wrong time.

Besides,  _ that person _ is acting as if he doesn’t remember him. He’s showing no signs of recognition towards him, and Shosei cannot place a finger on whether he appreciates the notion or not. It’s already too much for him to process.

“Who cares about me? If you feel worse let me know, maybe we can have Sukai take you home.” The raven haired man waves him off, in typical Syoya fashion. “We can always catch up on another time; we won’t be leaving anytime soon since the expansion is finished.”

“Won’t you be based in Korea permanently?”  _ and take the brown haired man with you  _ is what he wants to add but never does.

“I mean yeah, but we have to settle some things with legal and the development team here for a couple of months. We can hang out again like the old times! I’ll try to invite our old team back for a dinner maybe next week for a gathering, I really missed everyone so much—“ Syoya rambles, and something twists in Shosei’s guts as he realizes the other person sitting with them in the table is staring at the raven haired male as if he’s the most interesting thing in the entire world. He’s not sure whether it's jealousy or the general uneasiness he has felt the entire night. 

He pushes jealousy off the plate—as it doesn't feel fair because it’s Syoya. He’s known Syoya ever since he joined the company. 

They’re of the same age, with Syoya only a few days older than him so they usually celebrated their birthday together ever since they became friends. Shosei used to be a part of the department Syoya was as well, and they were both newbies that didn’t know a single thing about the corporate world. They got along well ever since the beginning, and then from there on out there was never a single day that the two of them weren’t seen. Where there was Syoya, there was also Shosei. 

Syoya is fun to be around and being around him makes Shosei forget about the stresses of work, so he values his company a lot too. 

Even when Shosei got moved to another team and he got separated with Syoya their bond never changed, and it even grew stronger as time progressed. Just recently, Syoya had to be transferred to Korea to take care of a major account of their company and he was there for more than a year. Now that they’ve more or less wrapped it up the company decided to celebrate the merge, but what Shosei didn’t foresee was the  _ plus one  _ Syoya brought in. 

Tsurubo Shion, with his brown hair and the same stupidly handsome face he’s had ever since he was young and yet more refined now, has come to Japan from Korea. 

Shosei is passive for the rest of the night, making small talk with other people but nothing seems to stick in his head. Syoya drags him from one person to another, talking to some stakeholders and managers but Shosei doesn’t feel too good knowing there’s so much he wants to ask and say and yet he feels too far away from _ him.  _

The only time Syoya leaves the two of them alone is when he excuses himself to go to the toilet, to which Shosei was stunned in silence fiddling with the hem of his handkerchief hidden in plain sight. He feels like he’s back in high school again, like a child that doesn’t know anything—and it’s beginning to frustrate him.

“I’ve heard so much from Syoya about you.” Shion speaks up, Syoya’s chair in between them making it seem like there’s an unseen barrier. There might as well be. “He’s really fond of you, and it was nice meeting you finally.”

His voice is  _ even  _ deeper now compared to before, and there’s some texture to it that flows to Shosei naturally. His brown eyes are trained at him, and it becomes too much that even with a single gesture like that he feels like suffocating.

Shosei has never expected that he’ll be able to see Shion again, much less hear his voice. It’s been too long, and yet the memories come flooding in like waves that lap the shore and he tries to clear it all out, because now really is not the time for it. 

“It was nice meeting you also.”  _ Again. _ “Syoya never told us that he was dating someone while he was in Korea, so please apologize for the shock earlier.”  _ Half a lie.  _

“It’s fine, I expected just as much. He wanted it low key at first, and it was nice that people didn’t keep on asking.” Shosei notices the change in his tone of voice as he talks about Syoya, as if it grew a few notes softer. 

There’s the pregnant silence in between them, so loud that it's so evident even in a noisy hall. Shosei wants to ask if he’s lying or he just genuinely doesn’t remember—but before he could even open his mouth Syoya is back and even with more wine and stories about Korea that Shosei listens to patiently. 

When the event ends and he has to leave, Syoya gives him a tight hug saying he really missed Shosei, and it's true. Shosei misses him equally, as Syoya had been truly one of the bestest friends that he’s ever had. The raven haired male promises to catch up with him on another time with just the two of them, and he nods as he smiles—and in the corner of his eyes he catches the brown haired male staring directly at him. He can’t read his expression, and to be honest Shosei is just so tired and emotional that he doesn’t want to think about it anymore. 

The couple waits for him to get on the cab he booked to go home before leaving, and Shosei could still see them walking hand in hand from the side mirror and with Syoya leaning his body towards the taller man. There’s an ache in his chest that Shosei didn’t expect, but that much is given.

After all, his best friend is now dating his first love—the one who suddenly just disappeared as if he never existed.

-

He wakes up with his face pressed against Sukai’s chest. He smells like his refreshing perfume like always, and Shosei takes an inhale that immediately calms him down. He can feel Sukai’s face buried in his hair and he tries not to make any sudden movements that might wake the other up. 

He went home rather late the night before and spent an excessively long time breaking down in the bathroom. It was a good thing Sukai was already asleep, or else he would have definitely asked what was wrong and Shosei isn’t sure he’s ready for that conversation yet. He’s been with Sukai for 4 years now, almost 5—and yet there’s still just something about that one thing he’s been in keeping in for such a long time that he can’t seem to share. It’s too raw, too personal for him and even though he loves Sukai so much there’s just something about saying it out loud to other people that makes it valid and real—and Shosei refused to acknowledge that before. 

He tilts his head a bit to stare at Sukai’s calm sleeping face, and Shosei’s heart immediately feels warm at the sight of him. There’s no doubt that he’s still so absolutely in love with him, his cold demeanor that changes when he smiles and calls Shosei’s name softly. Shosei’s arm wraps a bit tighter to hug Sukai more, seeking solace and comfort in the warmth of his body through the thin fabric of their pajamas. 

“You’re awake?” he hears Sukai sleepily mumble through his hair, and he nods to look up again at the taller male. Sukai gives him a kiss on the forehead as a good morning and they stay like that for a few more minutes, just entangled in each other's limbs. Shosei temporarily forgets everything else that is clouding his mind and just thinks of that moment there, with Sukai cradling him and the light rays of the sun peeking through the windows of their unit. It’s neither hot or cold, just perfect enough for them to enjoy a lazy day together. 

They eventually had to get up to eat, and Sukai cooks a simple breakfast for them. Sukai asks him about the company event, and about Syoya. Sukai and Syoya get along well, and their favorite pastime is making fun of Shosei fondly together. 

He tells him the notable details, like Syoya having a boyfriend from the Korean company they merged with. He tries to lay it off as cool as possible, but he doesn’t think that Sukai minds. They eat breakfast together, sitting across each other and Shosei gets to watch Sukai move gracefully as he chews on his food. The younger male flashes him a small smile when he catches him staring, and Shosei gives a warm one back. 

“By the way, your mom is inviting us next weekend to go to Kyoto.” Sukai remarks as he takes a sip of his coffee. “You don’t have anything by then right?” 

“Why is it that my mom told you that when I’m her son?” he raises his eyebrows playfully and Sukai smiles cheekily. 

“Your mom just adores me.” 

“Sure she does, you always give her the most lavish gifts.” Shosei scoffs jokingly. “Anyway, let’s visit your mom too. I haven’t seen her in a while, let’s bring her a gift.” he adds, and Sukai nods. 

They end up washing the dishes, with him soaping it up and Sukai wiping the water off. The taller male sneaks in a back hug every now and then, placing his head on Shosei’s shoulder and just standing there while the radio is playing some filler song in the background. They’ve known each other for so long like this that there’s no uncomfortable moment, and it practically feels like they’re married already. Even with Sukai’s arms wrapped around his waist and he’s just murmuring the lyrics off of the corny love song on the radio—sneaking in a kiss or two on Shosei’s cheek when he looks to the side, it feels nice, and it feels perfect for a Sunday morning. 

Shosei couldn’t have asked for a better man. Sukai was there when he kept on dipping in and out from a bad place mentally during university, and he never asked questions, just stuck with him through everything he felt and experienced and comforted him. At first he didn’t know how to handle or interact with him, it’s been a while since he felt something remotely close to loving another guy in his heart at the time, but Sukai was patient and let him take his own pace. He was never pressured into anything, and Sukai had constantly assured him. He was attentive and caring not just to him but the people around, and he was well mannered. Shosei always felt safe to know Sukai was there, and his presence alone eases him.

Shosei feels really bad now that he couldn’t tell him perhaps the biggest secret of his life. 

He doesn’t even know where to start.

He’s afraid that if he tells Sukai now there’s some part of him that might not get it, because  _ none of them do _ , and it might end up with him having bitter feelings towards Sukai and that’s the least thing he wants to do. His feelings for Sukai are genuine, and the taller male has already become such a huge part of his life that he can’t really imagine a life without him again. 

He’s sitting on the couch, body pressed against Sukai’s as they watch a movie. He tried to block out his thoughts from the day before, of Syoya and Shion, but it just keeps on looping back in like a circle. 

Firstly, Shion acted as if he didn’t remember him—and that might be true. It’s been a really long time, he could have easily just forgotten about him. About them. But then again it was Shion. He promised a lot of things back then, and he never usually broke it. 

He thinks about the possibility of Shion lying to him, actually remembering everything that happened but is pretending he doesn’t—but then that would be cruel not just to him but also Syoya. 

He doesn’t know what to think or expect anymore, and there’s so many questions that are left unanswered that he regrets not asking. Then there’s the loose thread that has begun unraveling again as Shion pulls it out to existence—just like him coming back to Shosei’s line of vision has brought out so much of his old broken memories and trauma tied to nothing but melancholy and doubt. 

He finds himself squeezing in a bit more closer to Sukai’s body, practically almost melting into him if possible, and Sukai instinctively puts an arm around him patting him. Every touch from Sukai felt as if it had sparks, light ones that make Shosei feel happy even just for a short bit—breaking him from his anxieties. 

Sukai has comforted him once again. 

-

Shion is tugging him by the hand, big ones clasped over Shosei’s slightly smaller and delicate ones. It’s rough against his soft ones.

Shion won’t tell him where they’re going, and they’re already past the school grounds and it worries the older one of the two too much. Shosei was never one to break the rules, he was a peace loving guy who didn’t want to cause any disturbances or do anything out of the normal. But Shion was the complete opposite of that, and if only Shosei didn’t love him he wouldn’t be doing this with him. 

The tracks in the forest begin to get muddy, and Shosei worries about the mud traces on his slacks and shoes that would be a pain to remove. His mother will scold him, and Shosei feels bad when it happens like that. Shion doesn’t seem to mind though, with his grip on Shosei’s hand snug as if they’re puzzle pieces fit for each other. 

“Shion if you don’t tell me where we’re going, I’m running back.” Shosei warns, and Shion shushes him.

“We’re almost there. Hold on.” he says, his boyish voice practically almost echoing in the silence of nature. 

Indeed he was right, they were already close, and there in front of Shosei’s eyes is a huge clearing. It’s beautiful beyond words, with flowers draped here and there and the air is fresher for some reason and there’s patches of grass that makes it look as if it was straight out of a fairytale. 

Shosei loved fairy tales. 

“Do you like it? I found it for you.” Shion asks, hand still intact with his as Shosei moves his eyes around. 

“I love it. I love it so much.” he says, barely a whisper as he is still in awe with what he’s seeing. The place is beautiful enough that he’s actually half expecting fairies to appear. 

“This is our kingdom from now on. Our place. Something for us, that no one else knows.” Shion declares, as if he’s king, and smiles at him radiantly. 

Shosei thinks Shion’s smile lights up the place even more. 

“I love you.” Shosei says, out on a whim, speaking from the bottom of his heart. 

“I love you too Shosei.” Shion says warmly, and Shosei swears that moment is the happiest in his life. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They were never important to him, only Shion was. 

Shosei finds himself alone with Shion.

Not the first time in his entire lifetime, but still. 

Syoya is out doing work in another site and so he was put in charge of assisting the man with coordinating until further notice. Shosei doesn’t mind, it gets him off of his other tasks that were now distributed to other people, but now he has to deal with a whole Tsurubo Shion alone. 

He decides to chant to himself multiple times while in the bathroom, for him to get his shit together because he’s no longer fifteen—he should face his problems maturely and head on. He has learned his regrets from the other night, and decides to take a different approach to the problem. 

When he finally gets to face Shion again to tour him around, the man is sitting on Shosei’s chair, entertaining himself with the photos on his workspace. Shosei feels embarrassed for some reason, and tries to clear his throat to indicate his presence. 

“Shall we get going? I think the director won’t be here until early afternoon but that gives us enough time to go around and meet some of the people in production.” he says, albeit too stiff and polite, and Shion nods. 

He guides him professionally, updating him with the happenings in the company locally and introducing him to the necessary people. Shion is nodding as they go along, asking questions here and there and for some reason Shosei finds himself amazed at how Shion had come so far. Probably because in Shosei’s head he used to be that immature child that kept on picking fights with everyone who said badly about Shosei, or literally nothing in general. He was a troublemaker child, and to see him right now all grown up and mature tugs something in Shosei. 

“Have you always lived in Korea?” Shosei manages to ask while they were at the elevator at some point, after mulling over the question on his head almost a hundred times. 

Shion makes a humming sound before turning his head.   
“I vaguely remember staying here as a kid, but ever since I was 10 I was already in Korea as far as I remember.” 

_10?_

“You’ve been in Korea _ever since?_ ”

“I grew up there and got my degree and all, although I’ve been back here at least 5 times in short visits back then.” Shion is nonchalant about it, and Shosei thinks about how it would be _impossible_ for Shion to grow in Korea, when all that time he had been there with Shosei. 

“Ah, I see.” 

“Why did you ask?” 

“Nothing, I was just curious. Syoya never mentioned anything about you to us at all, so it feels like—” he trails off, not really knowing what to say about how he feels. Ambushed? Might have been the closest word to it. 

“Like I’m a stranger, I get it.” Shion says, smiling a bit that the corner of his lips make a crinkle. Shosei looks away a bit too quickly that it makes it awkward for the two of them. Shosei is frustrated at how things are going, because this was not the direction he intended it to go. 

They walk in silence, with nothing but the indistinct chatter around them serving at their background audio. Shosei honestly doesn’t know what to say, it feels like he always blanks out when Shion is near. 

“You’re not comfortable with me around, aren’t you?” Shion says, catching up to his footsteps. “I’ve noticed it since the event. I mean I understand, I’m nobody who just popped out of nowhere—but for Syoya’s sake I’d like us to at least get along well.” the taller male imposes, and it sounds like a hint of a threat to Shosei if he overthinks it. 

“Yeah I’m sorry, I just—” Shosei feels something inside of him bubble up, like a spark of courage. “—do you really not remember anything?” 

Shion looks at him in complete confusion, and Shosei immediately regrets it. 

“Remember what?” 

“Nevermind. I’m sorry about that.” he gives a curt smile as he walks away, cursing under his breath multiple times that Shion won’t follow him and ask more questions. 

-

Shosei remembers that it was Shion’s 3rd school already when he moved to their area. 

Shion was a rather big 10 year old boy, tanned skin from playing under the sun and with messy hair that never wants to go down especially on a humid day. Shosei was always pale and had a small frame that made him look younger than his age. Their houses used to be 3 to 4 ones away from each other, far enough for them to walk for a minute or so but close enough to be able to be with each other practically all the time. 

Shion’s parents never really knew him, not as far as he remembers. Shion came from a slightly well off family, and the reason Shion kept on moving schools at such a young age was that his dad’s work required them to move from one area to another. His mother was also a woman with a career, and usually that left Shion all to himself. That made it easier for them to hang out a lot all the time, as Shosei’s mom trusted him enough to keep his word when he’s not home and mostly because she was out and about to provide for him as a single mother. 

Shosei was a docile, quiet child and one of the earliest reasons as to why he befriended Shion was that the younger kid got picked on for being the transferee, and hot-headed as he is—Shion fought back with messy fists and bad words that Shosei had never imagined a 10 year old would speak of. 

Shosei believed Shion wasn’t bad, and basically it was the start of that. 

Having someone who believed in him, even as much as a little grain, was enough for Shion to treat Shosei like the best friend he never had. He still hung out with him when no one could see or notice, because Shion didn’t want Shosei to get bullied because of him or get involved in his troubles. 

Shosei always found himself telling Shion over and over that some fights are not worth it, but the younger one had the stubbornness of a rock and all Shosei ended up doing was cleaning up after his wounds after getting hounded by the school bullies. Yet Shosei never got mad at him or got upset—he just stuck there silently. 

They were like night and day, never caught on public together and yet existing in the same sky breathing the same air and whispering the same secrets to each other. They grew up together like that, moving up middle school one grade after another—silently wishing the other good luck in their free time that they hang out in the random places in school that Shion finds for them. 

Shosei never fully understood it back then, why they kept on acting like they didn’t know each other in front of people and yet know the most about the other in reality—but when he was old enough to feel the emotion of love he realized that it was Shion wanting him all for himself, and never wanting to share. 

When he realized he didn’t like girls and only liked Shion, he was worried that it wasn’t normal at first. He saw his other male classmates talk about their crushes towards the pretty girls in class, but Shosei never found them appealing to him. He would much rather spend a day trying to scavenge books in the library with Shion or draw gachapon in the store behind the school that has the cranky cashier than talk about how pretty Mayu is wearing the yukata, or Sakura suddenly becoming pretty over the summer. 

They were never important to him, only Shion was. 

He worried what Shion would think about it, but when Shion told him that he felt the same and thought of Shosei the same it felt as if he was pushed down on a field of flowers and is just floating on top of the tulips and daisies. It felt nice, and it was even better when Shion told him that he was prettier than all the other girls in their grade when he was wearing a yukata. 

Most of his younger years have revolved around Shion, and much as the latter did but with him. He knew just as much, because Shion confided everything to him as he felt the most comfortable. Whenever his parents fought and decided to call it quits for the 3rd time that week, and when Shion would pretend he’s not hearing all of it and he’s just listening to music in his room. Shion would sometimes cry, and Shosei would let him. It doesn’t make him less of a man (or a boy) if he cried, it meant that he cared. The older one of them would pat the other on the back, and Shosei always carried a handkerchief around for the sole reason that Shion needs something to wipe his tears with. It has become a habit, and it never really fully got shaken off of him even as he grew older. 

Shion would always tell him after that when it’s Shosei’s turn to cry he will offer him his entire time to listen and will give him a hug to comfort him, assuring him that everything will be okay because Shion is there for him—and at the time it was a little bit poetic and romantic that Shosei can’t help but giggle every time the younger brings it up. 

It was a romantic and thoughtful gesture, Shosei thinks, and it would have been better if Shion was actually there when he cried and worried for days and he couldn’t even tell anybody about it, especially the brown haired boy. He was the reason for all of those tears after all. 


	3. Chapter 3

The ride home was quiet, and Shosei was just not in the mood to talk when he got in and buckled himself in the seat. Sukai said nothing, knowing there were days Shosei tends to be like that and just continued driving back to their apartment. 

Shosei’s head is leaned against the headrest, his eyes trained on the scenery of the city but unfocused at the same time. He’s tired, and he had tried so hard to avoid Shion for the rest of the day in fear of being pressed further to tell him then and there. Shosei’s thoughts are still murky and muddled, and he can’t think straight when his emotions are charged so he wanted to be at least in a rational mind when he does it. It’s just not a simple thing to say, especially for him who suffered a lot because of it. 

He finds himself being woken up to the motion of the car stopping, and he finds out they’re already back in the parking lot of their building. He wipes his face subconsciously as Sukai unbuckles his own seatbelt. 

“You fell asleep, I didn’t have the heart to wake you up.” Sukai says, gently caressing the side of his head. He instinctively leans in to his touch, like a cat being patted. “Let’s go up? I’ll cook for us.” 

They hold hands as they ride the elevator to their unit and Shosei finds himself leaning on Sukai and the taller male keeps him closer by putting a hand on his waist. He excuses himself to take a bath first while Sukai moves to the kitchen to prepare food for them. By the time he’s done with the bath the younger male is done with most of the cooking, and he prepares the table for them. 

They eat the dinner with a comfortable silence between them, with the sound of the television by the living area slightly muted as their background audio. Sukai talks about his day, his coworkers and how his boss is trying to give him additional workload again as if he’s not noticing it and all that—and Shosei hums in response to him every now and then and makes remarks here and there. He might not be in the best mood, but he loves listening to Sukai talk about whatever, and the way his voice calms him down so he urges him to speak more. 

Sukai is a social person. The more people got to know him, most of them just let themselves be intimidated by his strong aura at first. Even Shosei, when he first met him, thought he was an intimidating quiet person. They weren’t in the same major, but they often met in lectures for some of their minor classes and had common acquaintances. Shosei was aloof mostly, he didn’t care when girls and boys back then tried to hit with him or get close with him romantically—because he never felt the need to go back into anything yet again that soon. 

But Sukai was different, because they started off with probably the most boring and least interesting story. They were just strangers, who became classmates and acquaintances then as friends. They just spent their time studying for exams and playing games during their free time, or watching the new movie that came out together because they had the same taste in movies. 

He and Sukai never had any of those romantic montages in movies like kissing in the rain or chasing after the other in the train, in fact he was just eating in the university open field with him when Sukai told him that he liked him. Shosei was chewing on his takoyaki then, and almost practically choked on it at first. Sukai told him that he just wanted to say it out like that and was not expecting anything from Shosei. He just loved him, plain and simple like that. Sukai gave him time to think, and it didn’t take that much long for Shosei to realize that Sukai was safe, and he can give the younger male and himself a chance to be happy again. 

He and Sukai were inseparable ever since, and their love for each other never swayed.

Sukai was a mix of someone who shows his affections through words and actions, while he was somewhat something of a toned version of that. He’s not as good with words as Sukai is, so what the younger gives he tries to match in the best way he can. Sukai never forgets to remind him that all people have different ways and forms to show their love, and that also goes for intensity. Shosei always feels like crying whenever he thinks about how gentle Sukai is with him.

He volunteers to wash the dishes once they are done eating, and Sukai takes it as a cue to take the post work shower he needs. Shosei is settled in their small terrace overlooking the river and the city when Sukai returns from his bath, changed into a fresh set of clothes and towel draped on his head. He beckons Sukai to sit in front of him so he can gently dry his hair, and in the cool night they relax themselves like that with the sound of the hustle and bustle of the city in the faint distance. 

The younger male sits beside him when his hair is already dried, and he cuddles into Shosei seeking warmth. Shosei knows Sukai is just waiting, as he will never force him to speak up if he isn't ready yet.

“Sukai.” he calls out to him, to get his full attention and the taller male hums. “There’s something, from a long time ago, that I haven’t told you about—and back then it was different because I was already so sure, but now—” 

Shosei is rambling, and Sukai tilts his head to an angle that makes him look straight at him. 

“Whatever it is, I won’t get mad. You know I would never.” Sukai assures him even before he could say it properly and Shosei wants to hit him for being too nice. 

He takes a pause for a bit, thinking of how to word his experiences better. But then again he realized it was Sukai in front of him, and he is already well versed in his language that it doesn’t matter. 

“Back then before I met you, there was this kid I grew up with. He never had a lot of friends, to the point you can say I’m the only one he had. We were together most of the time, and it went to the point where I began thinking of him as someone who was more than a friend of mine.”

“Was he your first love?” Sukai asks—nail in the head, interest laced in his tone. Shosei nods. 

“Anyway, one day he just vanished. His family disappeared without a word, and at first people talked about it but then there were too many rumors floating around and then it died down because there never were any answers to any of the questions we all had. I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t find him either. I couldn’t tell anyone, because nobody would understand. I couldn’t even defend his honor from other people, because nobody knew we were friends. It would sound like I’m lying about him...” he feels his voice shaking a bit, as he tries to recall back in his head the happenings and how to properly convey it. It has and always will be a sensitive topic for him, and now that it feels like somebody dug up the skeletons from under the ground it’s amplified more. 

“He was gone, just like that. Rumors say he died and his parents were shocked that they moved quickly away, and at that time I just wanted something to hold on to. I hoped he was alive, and somewhere out there, but then it became weeks and months and then years and there was nothing. Maybe it would have been easier if he  _ did  _ die, at least it was the truth. So I believed that,” he sounds dejected, even to himself and he knows Sukai gets the hint in his tone too. 

“But he didn’t die…” Sukai prompts, and he finds himself leaning against him even more, as if his body is turning to jelly. 

“He’s alive and doing well, and he… he’s dating Syoya right now. He was in Korea all this time.” Shosei is exceptionally careful as he says it, and he immediately looks for a reaction in Sukai’s face. 

“Well, that took a turn.” Sukai says, trying to process the information. The blond haired male looks at him expectantly. “Did he say anything when he saw you?” 

“He doesn’t remember. That’s what frustrates me right now. I don't know what happened, but it seems as if he remembers things differently.” Shosei licks his lips as he takes a deep inhale. “I’ve never told anyone else about this before and meeting him again was something I never expected to happen in my life because I was already so sure… but I also think my guilt will eat me alive if I kept it from you any longer. I suffered for too long because of the pain and anxiety the entire thing left me with and I’m sorry for keeping all of this from you all this time—” he finds himself stopping because he’s rambling again, and Sukai pulls him into a hug tighter and closer to him. Sukai holds him silently for a couple of moments, and then tilts his head by the chin to face him gently.

“I understand that this wasn’t easy for you to say, and I get that. Thank you for still telling me about it right now, and if you’re worried as to whether that will change anything for me or what then it doesn’t.” Sukai gently kisses him on the forehead, and Shosei prompts into tears. 

“I still love you, like always, and I’ll be here for you always whenever and whatever you need me to be for you. Let’s get through this together okay?” His tears are wiped by Sukai’s thumb. “I’ll make sure you’ll never feel alone again, and I’ll never leave you like that. My angel, you’ve been through so much and you’re so strong...” 

Shosei finds himself sobbing even more in Sukai’s shirt, and the younger pats himself in the back in comfort. He feels as if a huge block has been taken out of him and he was honestly ready for whatever negative thing Sukai might say to him.

“Thank you. I love you.” he says, softly through his tears and Sukai kisses him in the lips gently. 

-

When he told Sukai he wanted to have a closure, he agreed strongly. 

It was what he had probably needed all this time, in order to finally free himself from the negative thoughts and memories, the experiences he has had before. 

_ “At least you’ll never keep on thinking to yourself about the what ifs anymore, and you can close that chapter of the book and make new ones.” _ Sukai tells him, and he knows the latter is right. Sukai had always been his voice of reason, when his emotions got a hold of him too much. 

It didn’t take Shosei long to think about how he’s going to unpack this information he holds, when Shion was the first thing he saw when he arrived at work the next day. He’s under flexible time so usually Sukai just drops and picks him up so they can go back and forth from their workplaces together. 

“Can we talk?” was the first thing Shion told him, after being told by someone else that he was requested by Shion in one of the temporary office rooms he is using right now. By organizational chart, Shion holds more power in him from their Korean office counterpart compared to Shosei so he has no choice but to follow orders when necessary. 

“What business matter needs to be discussed from our end?” he asks and Shion waves his hand. 

“No it’s not work related it’s—the thing you said last time. You asked me if I remember anything?” Shion shifts in his seat. “I can’t think of anything, but did we have a hookup before? Was that why—”

“Excuse me?” Shosei asks, doubting his ears if he heard the right thing that Shion said. 

“I mean, if we had a hookup before it would have been weird for me to come back here and come out as your best friend’s unannounced boyfriend right? It would only make so much sense why you’re still uncomfortable with me.” Shion is blunt, and Shosei is standing there in disbelief over what he’s hearing. 

“I can’t believe you just said that. Do I look like that type of person?” he spits out in shock. 

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking. Come on Shosei, throw me a bone here. You act all cryptic towards me and then at the same time not tell me anything.” 

Shosei is in disbelief, stunned at how Shion is speaking to him right then and there. He’s offended and triggered at the same time but also wronged. 

“We weren’t like that. It was more than that Shion, and it frustrates me that you can’t remember anything we’ve had. I don’t know why you don’t recall any real thing that happened in your past, and from how you’re reacting right now I think you’re just as clueless as I am. But compared to every single breathing person in this building I can say that I know you better than any of them, so please don’t degrade me and put me to such a low level.” Shosei is stern as he scolds him and Shion is tense from the other side of the room.

“Does Syoya know this?” 

“If he knows this then you wouldn’t ask that question right now. You’re dating Syoya now, you of all people must know how he is.” he snaps, and it was an honest statement. 

Shion is puzzled, but he tries to take a deep breath as if he’s trying to digest all this information. 

“I’m gonna ask you something, and I want you to answer me honestly." Shion is staring at him intently. "Just tell me. How are you related to me?”

“I was once your everything, and you were once mine.” he says, and he can see Shion breathe heavily. “Then you left without a word, as if you never existed, so how was I supposed to go on after that?"

He's more hurt and emotional than expected, and he's breathing harshly as if he ran a block multiple times. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shosei tells Shion everything he can, and the only thing he slapped him with is disbelief.

Shosei tells Shion everything he can, and the only thing he slapped him with is disbelief. 

“How am I supposed to believe that?” Shion asks him, straight in Shosei’s face. His expression is unreadable, and Shosei probably thinks it’s the same for him. 

The memories flood Shosei’s head, like a leaking tap that burst open. All the things he had kept down, tried to replace with better, newer memories come in and he almost grasps at his head to keep it all in place. It’s spilling, and along with the memories comes the hurt that pricks at him like long thick needles. He had never felt that way in years, and without Sukai to anchor him at the moment he feels as if he’s drowning in his thoughts again and it’s hard to breathe. 

“I don’t know what you want from me, but this is something I don’t find funny Shosei.” Shion chides, as if he’s speaking to someone below him. 

“That wasn’t my intention, you asked me a question and I answered honestly. This is already harder for me than it already is.” he tries to sound firm with his words, trying for it to not wobble in between his lips.

“You’re basically saying that my life is a lie. Everything I believed in over the past few years is fake? That’s a big accusation and you’re not even someone I saw for more than 7 days.” Shion says rather coldly, still in disbelief. The words shouldn’t hurt him as much, but it still does anyway. 

“I’m not accusing anything, I’m telling the truth. We grew up together and did everything together. I knew your secrets and before I could even think of something, you already knew what it was. There’s nothing we hid from each other, and we were what each other only had back then. What would I gain if I was lying through all of this?” he says, almost exasperated.

“I couldn’t think or speak properly when I saw you the other night because  _ fuck _ —” he finds himself softly cursing. “—I was never expecting you to return. I had to wake up and convince myself every day for months, years, that you were dead and you’re probably off in heaven somewhere for me to be able to move on because I was suddenly left with nothing. I kept on going back to your old house in the hopes that one day I would pass by and you’re there and it was actually just a dream that you were gone. Now why would I lie about that pain?” 

Shion is frozen in place from all the words Shosei dropped, and he breathes heavily as he processes what was said. 

“Do you not remember  _ anything  _ at all? Not even one bit?” Shosei’s voice breaks, after trying his best to not crash down then and there. In the end his emotions got to him. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Not at all, and this is too much for me right now.” Shion says, and for a second Shosei thinks he hears his voice weaken, as if truly lost in whatever was happening. “You’re crazy for this.” Shion says, and Shosei feels so small. 

He’s left again not knowing what to do, after spilling everything he can to the best of his ability Shion doesn’t believe him, and it feels like instead of closing the gap of his wounds it gashed wider and became more prone to pain.

“If it matters, I wish I was just lying and all of this was something I made up. But it’s real, and the more you stay here the more my conscience just won’t stay still.” he is resigned as he almost murmurs it, and his already drooping eyes have dropped a bit more. 

“You’re dismissed.” Shion just says after a long silence, and Shosei scoffs in disbelief. He opens his mouth to say something, but then decides to close it and walk away. 

Shion thinks he can see Shosei wiping his eyes with his sleeve, but he’s not sure if it was just the blinds playing tricks on him. 

-

“Would you like to take a shower first or should I?” Syoya asks the moment they step in the apartment and the lights turn automatically on. They’re currently sharing one place, Syoya’s apartment, for the meantime that Shion is in Japan. Syoya’s place is a bit avant garde and high end, but Shion doesn’t mind. He liked how Syoya wasn’t afraid to speak out statements of whatever he’s feeling or advocating for—which was something that usually showed through the items that he owned. Syoya was outspoken and unique like that, and Shion feels as if he’s the only one that can keep up with him, and maybe even more. 

“You can go ahead, I want to take a longer bath later.” he says, putting his coat in the laundry basket for dry cleaning. He hears a hum from Syoya and he maneuvers himself into the kitchen, looking for something to drink. He had tried to side track himself from the events of that day but every time he finds himself not occupied with anything that keeps his head distracted, it all loops back to Shosei, sad eyes and soft voice telling him things that he never would have anticipated to hear ever in his life. He rubs his temples a bit, as a headache has never left him ever since he spoke with Shosei. It was probably because he was thinking a lot, and he’s not even sure as to whether he should tell Syoya about it.

He’s mostly open to Syoya about things, but then again he thinks that it’s because they never had things that got in between them that were of high stakes and value. They would fight sometimes, but it was more of just being upset then forgiving before the end of the day. With that, Syoya was usually the first one that caves in, first to get mad and to apologize as well—but those were for small trivial things. 

Shion thinks about Syoya, more than himself. He knows how the older person valued his friend, from the way he talked about him and how excited he was when they were coming back. It’s not easy to hear something like that from your boyfriend’s best friend, especially if it's something as intense as Shosei said. It frustrates Shion that he has no control of the situation, because he doesn’t know or remember anything. Shosei spoke as if he was sure of everything he said, but it didn’t make sense because it was the complete opposite of what he grew up with. He couldn’t have grown up with Shosei, he was in Korea. He couldn’t have been in love with him, he felt nothing the moment he saw Shosei. It didn’t make sense at all, and he shook his head as if doing it would take the thoughts away. 

“You’re deep in thought,” Syoya sneaks at him from behind, fresh out of the shower changed into loungewear and putting a hand around Shion’s arm. “Work?” 

“Yeah,” he agrees even though it wasn’t. “Too many things to discuss and work around.” 

“Don’t think about it now, remember what I told you about bringing work to home?” Syoya scolds him, but his voice is soft and concerned. “It’s just work.” 

“I know, I know. I won’t try to think much of that and will just think about you more.” he slides in, and it makes Syoya smile widely. He knows him all too well now to notice what kinds of stuff makes Syoya happy. 

“That’s better, now go take a bath while I order some food.” Syoya orders him, and he makes a fake salutation before Syoya hits him again. They’re playful like that, always have been. 

He takes his time with the bath, trying to clear his mind off of things in the hopes that the headache and Shosei’s words will go away. He stays until the skin of his fingers are wrinkly, which he knows is something Syoya would giggle about because he’s adorable like that. 

He changes into loungewear after a long while and sits beside Syoya on the couch, who’s scrolling through his social media profile while he eats the takeout Chinese food they ordered. He turns on the television to flick through channels, and decides to settle on some foreign movie before taking his own carton of food.

They stay like that for moments, just unwinding from a long day of work and trying to think of nothing much. Although for Shion there’s still the nagging thing that’s trying to poke at him, but the foreign movie was enough to keep it down and distracted. 

“Ah, they’re so cute together.” Syoya exclaims suddenly, more to himself than to Shion, but it still piques his interest to the point he leans more towards the raven haired male.

“Who is?” 

“Shosei, and his boyfriend.” Syoya stops to scroll back to the photo, tapping it open. Shosei is wearing his clothes from today, the office wear, and with him is a guy a hand taller than him. He’s got striking features and what should be a cold aura, but in the photo the taller male is holding Shosei’s hand and they’re laughing, having fun in a riverside park. It’s a set of photos, and in one of them he can see Shosei smiling brightly. It was different from when he stood in front of him earlier that day—sad, upset, and perhaps a bit tired and resigned than what Shion would point out. 

It makes Shion feel uncomfortable to look at the photos for some reason, but at the same time he can’t deny that the two looked good together. 

“They’ve known each other since forever kinda, it’s romantic. I don’t think I’ve ever told you their story yet.” Syoya talks unknowingly, and Shion tries to nod and pretend he’s interested.

The gears in his head are already running a mile a minute though, thinking why Shosei told him those things in the morning if he had someone. 

Does he want to ruin him and Syoya? Did he want to mess with him? Shion couldn’t come up with any logical reason in his head on why Shosei would lie to him like that. Saying if it weren’t a lie, what was the purpose of trying to bring up past scars? It’s like cutting open a wound that had already scabbed and healed again. Only someone crazy would do that, or a sadist. 

He heaves out a sigh, far too loud for his liking and clear enough for Syoya to hear. The raven haired male immediately drops his attention on his phone for him and faces him, putting a hand by his cheek. 

“Are you feeling okay? You’ve been sighing a lot.” Syoya asks worriedly, and Shion feels bad to see his eyebrows frowned like that. 

“Must be fatigue, that’s all.” he reasons out, and Syoya buys it. 

“The work really has been stressful recently,” Syoya deducts, and shifts so he can press his cheek against Shion’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’m here to recharge you.” 

Shion chuckles at him, pulling him by the chin before giving him a light kiss. 

“I know.” he says simply, and Syoya gives him a small smile. 

-

The sky is dark, but there are hints of pinks and purples on it that make it picturesque. 

Shion can smell the fresh air, there’s something crispy to it that he can’t quite pinpoint but it’s distinct. Almost as if it's tangible. There are small commercial buildings, or maybe they’re small stores. He can’t seem to differentiate because it's pitch black, like something shaded with oil pastels by hand. He does walk past it and the houses, as if his body knows better than him. There’s a few stores, and then houses tightly packed together, and then an alleyway. He realizes he’s in a market of some sorts at this point. 

He hears a voice, as if there’s someone talking to him in a conversation but he can’t hear it. He can’t make out the words, but he knows deep down it’s a voice. He tries to look around but he doesn’t see anyone, but he can definitely hear the voice. He doesn’t know what it’s trying to say to him but it’s not scaring him, in fact the voice is calming on its own. 

Words are becoming more distinct as they pass through his ears.

_ School. Notebook. Cleaning. Lunch table. Bento. _

The conversation flies from one point to another. 

_ I think you’re just tired from the quiz. Let me recharge you with a hug. _

He hears the voice say his name once, then twice. 

_ Shion.  _

It felt familiar. 

Out of nowhere there is suddenly a screeching sound and his body throws itself to somewhere, which jolts Shion awake with a knee jerking movement. He tries to sleepily recollect himself, relieved to see Syoya out as a light on the bed beside him despite his movement. 

He lies on his back and closes his eyes again, trying to remember what it was he dreamt about that woke him up but it was gone as fast as it came. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise i will pick up the pace haha

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you think in the comments and twitter @ for__jo1


End file.
